Some brain mess

I wrote a really long post that I'm keeping for myself but it was sad and whingey and while that is how I feel and it's fine, it's not what I want to contribute to the world so I've cut it up and tried to include the positives and a bit of what I'm having trouble with, without so much of the negative in there. There is a place for sharing all of the worst bits but that's not what I want to do today :)
I hope this makes sense because when I read it through I have all the other stuff in my head so it's hard to tell *_*

I really want to update my blog more but am having trouble with it. The main thing is I've always tended to blog around photos I've taken but I'm not taking so many photos these days. Not because I don't want to but I just don't feel like I have much to photograph. I've fallen out with Norwich and so don't very often take my camera with me, it feels like home doesn't change enough to take regular photos that wouldn't be repetitive and I don't really go anywhere. This is definitely something I can work on though, I just need to see the interest in what is around me. I know I'd like seeing someone else's everyday "boring" photos so why can't I take mine? I take lots of photos on my phone, mainly of the rats but they're always blurry and my new phone is awful at photos in the house, it tries too hard to make a "good" photo and just totally over saturates everything in a really weird way. They always look like they've got horrible filters on them.

My blog has always really just been a diary but I'm not doing anything. I mainly sit around feeling like I can't make good work, not earning enough money, how do I get more money, I want to go to Japan, I'm not sure that can ever happen because I have no money, then crying about how much I want to visit japan. I don't want much but oh boy do I want to go to Japan.

I take photos and then put them here so if I'm not taking photos I have nothing to put here but I want to be putting things here so I need to figure out what that can be. Maybe I should hone my skills in talking about things I like beyond just, here's a thing, I like it.

My main problem is definitely mental and I'm working on various things and that will hopefully lead to changes. It's an evil circle of needing to work because I need the money but not feeling creative (I'll have ideas when i cant do anything about it and then when i sit down to work i cant think of anything and just start to panic) so maybe I need to do something else, rest, feel inspired and come back to the work but I have no money to go and do something inspiring so then I just feel even more pressure to be creative because I need the money. Damn money.

I'm so lucky and i hate to feel sad and lacking and the fact that i've missed out on stuff is my own fault but that doesn't mean that missing out on things isn't hard to deal with.

I have this blog, twitter, instagram, making videos and keeping a diary and then sketchbooks that I worry about repeating myself or spreading myself too thin and then i think about things to the point where it feels like i've shared it and repeated myself too much when i haven't actually put it anywhere.

The photo and the instagram story version. I really want a screen pen for my phone :)

I'm working on trying to calm down and worry less and just do whatever. it's a tiny thing but the other day in tiger i wanted to take a picture of some pens i'd picked up and i did and it wasn't right so i wanted to take another and someone was trying to get in to look at something i was in the way of so i moved back and then still took my picture. i would normally have been freaked out and nervous of a person and just left, i probably wouldn't have even taken the first picture before the person was even near me. It's not a big thing for most people i assume but it felt like a big thing to me. The fact as well that i just did it, i didn't think about it and then make myself do it i was just in a weird new place where i was moving around in the world not thinking about other people in relation to me. like, not in a dick way, i'm not stomping around being rude but just that i could do what i was doing and other people can do what they're doing and its fine. i don't need to shrink away and not exist. i can exist too.

Basically i'm a whingey baby about things that i should just work harder at to fix and find things to be happy about rather than dwelling on what i don't have. It's hard tho innit.

InstaSnowLineStoryApp #17

This post is a bit weird because it starts before Christmas and that's why it's also longer than normal because I wanted to get all the Christmas photos into one place :)

1-19 ~ 365 2018

I haven't tried a 365 photo project in a few years and I'm not sure I've ever managed to complete one but this year I'm having a go at 365 self portraits (or selfies if self portraits sounds pretentious or something, I'm not trying to make it sound more "proper" I just remember doing "365 self portrait" projects before people said selfie because I'm old and it just has stuck also I feel like selfie implies you're trying to make yourself look your best and I'm more likely to take a photo when I'm tired or feeling rough but that might be a defence mechanism or something I dunno maybe I'll write about that with another set of days I might have written about it before here actually, anyway.....). I'm hoping it'll help me with looks based self esteem and more interestingly I like the idea of documenting myself for a whole year just to be able to look through it at the end. This is day 1 to 19 but day 12 is missing because my phone sd card corrupted and my day 12 photo seems to be the only thing I couldn't recover, I remember taking it though so I'm not letting the missing day put me off my project, day 12 is here in spirit so it's fine.

New year thinks

Oh why hello there blog! Happy new year to you!
I feel like I've already done all my reflective 2017 thoughts everywhere else I am on the internet so if you want that feel free to go find it. Basically it was mentally rough and I needed a rest and for christmas I got one, yay!
Now that we're 6 days into the year I can safely say I am feeling relaxed and productive and excited to keep trying and maybe even try a bit harder. At what, no one really knows but it's a good general goal to have.
I know having an annoying brain doesn't magically go away but I'm just focusing on the fact that at the moment I feel positive.

Here are some of my thoughts for this new year:
I want to spend more time in my garden, I can't imagine I'll always have one so I should make the most of it.
I would like to browse more of the internet away from just the feeds I follow. And also just look at a lot more stuff on purpose whether it's online or off.
Make more things! Last year I really held myself back with worrying about money and wasting supplies and would anyone like it, is it a waste of time and all that stuff so this year I hope I can just ignore that complicated mixture of valid and anxiety driven thoughts and just make more stuff. All I really want out of life is to look at nice* stuff and make nice* stuff. It's totally achievable I need to stop stopping myself.
*what nice means is open to interpretation obviously.
I'm thinking I might do a 365 self portrait project. An ongoing theme for me is hating photos of myself/just generally feeling weird about how I look but not wanting to and maybe I should once and for all do something about it. Maybe this would help?
Worry about everything less.



Anyway, I have been procrastinating all morning and it's already quarter past two and I need food and then need to actually do some work. I've got a lot of scans of drawings from last year that I'm making look nice so I can maybe make badges or something from them and I should really get back on with that.

Addition: We're now 9 days into the year and I didn't get around to posting this. I'm looking forward to longer days so I can start waking up early again and feeling like I actually have time to do things but I'm also reminding myself that now is what I've got and thinking something that will happen in the future will fix it isn't a good mindset. Anyway, I'm still working on those scans so see you later ^_^

December so far

I started the month making a zine from last months drawings as I have done for quite a while now. Only one more time though, then I'm done with that project ^_^ I also won some x-files magazines on ebay (I'm going to make badges out of them) and drew a lot of Scullys and Mulders in my sketchbook.






Mum and Dad came to visit and I had my first ever green tea latte, I approve, it's a good time and we went out to see the Christmas lights.



My Grandad died earlier this year and we'd lost my Nan a couple of years before so it was time for my mum and her sisters to sell the house which meant no more apples from their apple trees. I remember every year nan would sit and peel, chop and freeze bags of apples for everyone and we'd make crumbles and cakes from them. We also used to hook the hose pipe in the trees and run around under it in the summer. Mum took some apples from the garden one last time and I asked her to freeze me a slice of the cake so I could have my last apples too.



An accidental portrait while filming this video. I enjoy the creepy eyes.




Will met a dinosaur and I got myself some pink eyeliner. A successful day.




I got these shirts finished at last but haven't been able to take any good photos of them yet so they aren't in my shop which is super annoying. Winter is difficult. (and so is photography)



Beautiful Pixel. He's doing much better now than he was and he's put on a lot of weight too ^_^




Our decorations finally went up on Monday, exactly a week before christmas. I don't like them to be up for too long before hand because they just start to blend in and I don't really see them and feel like it's fancy and special anymore but if we'd left it any later you don't feel like it's christmas yet and kind of miss the whole thing. Luckily Will found time to shimmy up into the loft before we became complete Scrooges.



When mum and dad were here they bought us a poinsettia which I love, they're so pretty and having plants around is a good thing, but I don't know how to stop it from dropping leaves and I hope it isn't bald before the end of the year.

I hope you're feeling less neglected now blog, I have 5 more vlogmas days to do and then I'm sure everything will level out again. The appeal of doing vlogmas is so weird, it's not like it gets me anything except less time...and videos to watch in a few years to remember what I was like now. Oh how I love to document my life (* ^ ω ^)

Doing vlogmas

Hello blog. I have been neglecting you because I've been having a go at vlogmas and there are only so many things I can edit and update in a day :)
I still have a weird relationship with making videos. I don't think they're very interesting and the idea of people looking at them makes me cringe and yet I keep making them and sharing them. I can't explain it but it is what it is.

Here are a few of my vlogmas videos so far. I'm managing it everyday so if you like you can go to my youtube and see the others, hopefully there will be 8 more before christmas too. That actually sounds like a lot of videos still to make, how am I managing this?!

InstaSnowLineStoryApp #16